Local Barbie

A new crazy has been sweeping the nation. As part of the resurgence of Barbie(TM) to a position of dominance in the doll/collectable market, many locally targeted Barbies have been created as micro-manufacturing techniques make them cost effective.

So while this is more for the locals… we here at ScottSoapbox saw it as an opportunity to thumb our nose at all the NY elite hipsters that think the rest of us actually CARE what's going on in a city that's irrelavant to 88% of the country.

Farragut Barbie

This princess Barbie is only available at English Village. She comes with optional Volvo sedan or luxury SUV and lives in a waterfront dream house. Available with or without facelift and tummy tuck and comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags and sorority T-shirts.

Farragut Ken

comes with optional Clark's Wallabees and an assortment of The North Face fleeces/jackets. He is available at Tennessee Outdoors.

Oliver Springs Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of

Lake City Barbie's (discontinued) house.

Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, three cans of hairspray, 48-color eye shadow and eye liner kit and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream double wide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Clinton Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Available at Cold Water Books.

Oak Ridge Barbie

This gossip-queen Barbie comes glued to the front seat of her Ford Expedition with your choice of two children that comes with his or her own personalized baseball, soccer ball or softball sticker for the back windshield.Oak Ridge Barbie is only sold as a two-pack with Ballpark Midge so that they can discuss how much better they are than Clinton Barbie. Ken comes with his own coaching uniform because it's the only way he can see the kids. He's too busy working so he can afford to move Oak Ridge Barbie to Farragut like she told him to. Available at Target.

Lenoir City Barbie

This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for Lenoir City Barbie or Ken. Available only at Dollar General.

Lake City Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Northwest-Shoals Community College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Wal-mart.

NOTE: I'm pretty sure the author of this little gem hails from Clinton… as people in Clinton are nearly as high up the socio-economic scale as they are portrayed. :P Also, where in the world is "Cold Water Books". Yeah.

Thanks Sarah

UPDATE: Oh it should probably be pointed out, due to my Clinton crack, that I am orginally from Oak Ridge and our oldest rival was Clinton. Though we also came to be rivals with Farragut — apparently because we were all jealous ;). So see, media bias is EVERYWHERE.