"Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think."

"[coughing] I think I'm getting the Black Lung, Pop."

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."

 

"So I'm rapelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip. And I'm just falling, terrified and then I think, 'Hey, Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?' [And?] And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius."

"At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking."

"Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for… not us."

"Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass!? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!"

"Hansel, he's so hot right now, Hansel."

"[looking at model] What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?"

"If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident."

"Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus and I'm here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray! "

"You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite… you aren't."

"I hear words like 'handsomness' and 'incredibly chiseled features' and for me that's like a vanity that I don't buy into."

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend."

"I'm gonna answer your question with another question; how many abediginals do you see modelling?"