"If you lose a lot of weight, people [will] think you have TB or AIDS."

"War is worthless except for ending slavery, Nazism, fascism, and communism. Other than that, war is pointless."

"I’d love for this Cuban embargo to end because I love Punch Double Coronas."

"I’ve always wondered how in the hell we conservatives became denoted by red. That’s a commie color! It is! The liberals have always been red!"

"I wasn’t born yesterday, you know – I’ve seen movies."

"Okay, it’s either you definitely *should* play with matches, or you definitely *shouldn’t* play with matches…Which one you think it is, Carl?"

"Our minds must be conflicting because you say plague of snakes and all I hear is Easter bunny, Easter bunny, Easter bunny."

"I don’t have any real dolls, I prefer to use my infinite imagination… cause I ain’t got no damn money."

"Don’t you be giving it to me in that sippy cup, I’m an adult and I deserve an adult glass."

"Well hey now, guys, look. I do not want to do anything illegal here… but I would kill somebody… in front of their own mama… to get a ten speed."

"Master Shake says books are from the devil, and TV is twice as fast."

"[calling Japan] Hello, Japan? Yes, connect me to Godzilla please."

"[That’s not a toy!] You say that about everything you own. You should own toys. They’re fun."

"That’s a deep kiss too, like the Europeans. You know, the French, they have to unhinge their jaw to show love."

"Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I’ve heard the arguments on both sides, and there is nothing to convince me of the need to brush your teeth."

"The only way to cross the street, is just to close your eyes and bolt out there with complete disregard for machine."

"There are no dumb questions. Yes, you, the retard with the dumb question."