So after being mortified and amused by many of the online personals out there I’ve decided to help the desperate masses attract that mister or misses right (or right now). After perusing the best and worst of online personals, I have developed a handy guide for all those looking for love in cyberspace…. I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few rules, but don’t worry sad, lonely people! I will update this list as needed.

  1. Do post a pic. NO ONE believes your typed in description – Scratch that – no one bothers to read your typed in description because they moved to the next ad since you are obviously claw footed or worse.
  2. Do post a GOOD pic. Good will mostly be defined by avoiding all the don’ts below. Beyond that try different images until the love comes pouring in.
  3. Do get your age right if you are under 18. We know you’re excited about the fact that your parents started letting you wear makeup. But seriously online dating is pathetic scary enough without threat of showing up on Date Line.
  4. Don’t use a group photo. Most people will assume you are the worst looking of the bunch.
  5. Do use a group photo if you are the worst looking of the bunch. A few of the extra desperate will respond and pray that the pretty girl in the pic just used it for sentimental reasons.
  6. Don’t use a wedding picture. I don’t care if you looked great in that dress – don’t use it.
  7. Don’t include a picture with kids. No one knows that is your favorite nephew – it’s your kid now. And don’t try to find someone that will love you AND your kids online. It won’t happen. Try church.
  8. Do use a picture that some else has taken. If you don’t have enough friends to get someone to take a picture of you – you’ve just fallen below the level of loser allowable for online dating.
  9. Don’t take a picture of yourself with your web cam. This is for the people that got lost on rule #8 at the word “friend”. Also all web cams suck.
  10. Don’t take a picture of yourself in the mirror. You will always look weird from trying to watch the camera & smile while having your arm extended at an uncomfortable angle.
  11. Don’t use a picture of you and your boyfriend. Most men will be annoyed by this (which is one of the chief traits men avoid after ugly) and a few homophobs will be worried they accidentally clicked on M4M section and flee from your ad.
  12. Don’t use a picture of you and ex kissing. You are trying to get a new ex -er- relationship not cling to the old one.
  13. Do use a picture with a boyfriend if you have scratched out his face. This says to guys: rebound! catch me.
  14. Don’t use a picture with a girlfriend if you have scratched out her face. This will come across as stalkerish.
  15. Don’t use a picture of just your face. This will imply that you are fat.
  16. Do use a picture of just your face if you are fat. This will lure a few unsuspecting dolts to within sight distance of you – and then they’ll see you’re fat and break your heart in person instead of online. (this was a don’t right?)
  17. Do mention that you are a twin. This will increase your appearance by at least 1 (on a 10 pt scale).
  18. Don’t take a picture of your junk guys. NO ONE wants to see it, ok?
  19. Don’t take a picture of your junk with a ruler. We don’t need the visual aid to confirm your small size. This will not get you pity. It will get laughter or vomit. At least be clever enough to use a fake ruler that is not to scale… and then refer to rule #18.
  20. Don’t apply photoshop filters to your picture. If “mosaic” or “stylize” makes you look better, you’re already beyond help.