So after being mortified and amused by many of the online personals out there I’ve decided to help the desperate masses attract that mister or misses right (or right now). After perusing the best and worst of online personals, I have developed a handy guide for all those looking for love in cyberspace…. I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few rules, but don’t worry sad, lonely people! I will update this list as needed.

1. Do post a pic. NO ONE believes your typed in description - Scratch that - no one bothers to read your typed in description because they moved to the next ad since you are obviously claw footed or worse.
2. Do post a GOOD pic. Good will mostly be defined by avoiding all the don’ts below. Beyond that try different images until the love comes pouring in.
3. Do get your age right if you are under 18. We know you’re excited about the fact that your parents started letting you wear makeup. But seriously online dating is pathetic scary enough without threat of showing up on Date Line.
4. Don’t use a group photo. Most people will assume you are the worst looking of the bunch.
5. Do use a group photo if you are the worst looking of the bunch. A few of the extra desperate will respond and pray that the pretty girl in the pic just used it for sentimental reasons.
6. Don’t use a wedding picture. I don’t care if you looked great in that dress - don’t use it.
7. Don’t include a picture with kids. No one knows that is your favorite nephew - it’s your kid now. And don’t try to find someone that will love you AND your kids online. It won’t happen. Try church.
8. Do use a picture that some else has taken. If you don’t have enough friends to get someone to take a picture of you - you’ve just fallen below the level of loser allowable for online dating.
9. Don’t take a picture of yourself with your web cam. This is for the people that got lost on rule #8 at the word “friend”. Also all web cams suck.
10. Don’t take a picture of yourself in the mirror. You will always look weird from trying to watch the camera & smile while having your arm extended at an uncomfortable angle.
11. Don’t use a picture of you and your boyfriend. Most men will be annoyed by this (which is one of the chief traits men avoid after ugly) and a few homophobs will be worried they accidentally clicked on M4M section and flee from your ad.
12. Don’t use a picture of you and ex kissing. You are trying to get a new ex -er- relationship not cling to the old one.
13. Do use a picture with a boyfriend if you have scratched out his face. This says to guys: rebound! catch me.
14. Don’t use a picture with a girlfriend if you have scratched out her face. This will come across as stalkerish.
15. Don’t use a picture of just your face. This will imply that you are fat.
16. Do use a picture of just your face if you are fat. This will lure a few unsuspecting dolts to within sight distance of you - and then they’ll see you’re fat and break your heart in person instead of online. (this was a don’t right?)
17. Do mention that you are a twin. This will increase your appearance by at least 1 (on a 10 pt scale).
18. Don’t take a picture of your junk guys. NO ONE wants to see it, ok?
19. Don’t take a picture of your junk with a ruler. We don’t need the visual aid to confirm your small size. This will not get you pity. It will get laughter or vomit. At least be clever enough to use a fake ruler that is not to scale… and then refer to rule #18.
20. Don’t apply photoshop filters to your picture. If “mosaic” or “stylize” makes you look better, you’re already beyond help.

So I think it’s a sign where you’re wasting too much time when you start having dreams about Facebook friends you haven’t actually seen in years….

and no, not that kind of dream… just the typical random delusions like wiffleball tournament with high school buddies…

this dream goes out to all my peeps!… yeah i need help.

I don’t know if we should be rejoicing over the fact that the a Crip & a Baller can come together in racial, gang-land, and sexual harmony - well at least long enough to get knocked up - or just feel really sad for the kid.

A couple can’t agree on which gang their 4-year-old toddler should join.

A fight about the decision led to a public disturbance with the father’s arrest. Joseph Manzanares went to the video store where his girlfriend worked, threatened to kill her and knocked over several video displays, police told KMGH Denver.

Police arrested Manzanares at his home, Commerce City police Sgt. Joe Sandoval told KMGH Denver.

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Yup. Magenta. Don’t you go around using that color all willy nilly, or you will here from the T Mobile legal department about how you are trying to mislead people into thinking that you are a 2nd Teir Telecommunications company.

I know today’s date but this actually hit yesterday. What makes it funnier is that Engadget has since made it’s entire background magenta as an appropriate “screw you” to the hysterical letter.
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As always google is a step ahead of everyone else, but they are licensing that technology to the common man.  Google gDay let’s you search tomorrows  internet today!

• Google gDay

In response the the Georgia Legislature believing it prudent to move Georgia’s northern border into Tennessee, the Mayor of Chattanooga issued the following proclamation:

PROCLAMATION

WHEREAS, it has come to pass that the heavens are shut up and a drought of Biblical proportions has been visited upon the Southern United States, and

WHEREAS, the parched and dry conditions have weighed heavily upon the State of Georgia and sorely afflicted those who inhabit the Great City of Atlanta, and

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Thank God.  Finally after years of tyranny, American optimism is going to be put in its place.  Complaining in groups and with song is really the better way to go.  The Complaints Choir started in Birmingham, England but have spread:

[To] choirs in Helsinki, where singers bemoaned boring dreams, and one in Budapest, Hungary, which ranted about a neighbor holding folk-dance practice in an upstairs apartment.

After starting more than 20 such choirs elsewhere, the Helsinki couple say they traveled here to end “the tyranny of the positive attitude in America.” …

“When everyone’s singing your complaint, it’s very cathartic,” the 38-year-old Chicagoan said after Saturday’s performance. “It’s as if you have a lot of support for your complaint.”

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More proof that a third of people have lost their minds:

• Santa told to slim down for Christmas to ’set a good example’

Apple is no longer accepting cash for iPhone purchases, as a way to try and prevent people from unlocking them for non-AT&T networks. Apparently Steve missed the place where it says “Legal tender for all debts, public and private” right there on your money.

Well, I’m sure someone else will notice this and sue Apple appropriately.

• Apple imposes new limits on iPhone sales

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So have the eco-hippies officially lost it when they start talking about the environmental impact of a natural process of mother nature?

What’s next, pollution control measures for volcanoes? Coming up with a way to stop the genocide of the bunnies by the wolves?

If you look closely at the “damage” done to the environment, it comes down to the pretty plants being replaced in some areas by less pretty, hardier plants. Don’t we support natural selection any more? Seriously though, why does it always come back to being pretty? You know what this is going to lead to: anorexic weeds.
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