Author Archives: scottsoapbox

Different Schools, Different Parents

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Rob, a Middle School Teacher, sent me an email regarding the difference between the parents at his new School verses the more, uhm, urban School where he worked last year:

Well, the parents here are a little different than say Tony’s mom last year (the 250 pound woman with 3 inch red fingernails, that came to school, yanked tony out of his seat by his collar, with a barage of profanity, pulled him into the hall, pulled off his belt, and popped him 3 times with his own belt).

I caught a kid stealing his lunch yesterday. I had him write a confession, "I, Kevin xxxxxx stole my lunch on 1/9/07" and sign it. our Discipline Principal told me that his father came in to a manditory meeting, very upset that the school used and continued to use the word "stealing" to describe his sons actions. He felt his son merely, "circumvented procedures" end quote. Even after, showing his son had clearly understood procedures the previous 15 days that he bought his lunch, according to computer records (they can buy lunch using a pin number). the father still refused to say that his son "stole." Yup. This is for real. Unbelievable.

Thanks Rob

Things I’ve Learned In Tennessee

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This was a fairly funny forward I got recently. I improved it a bit and voila:

Things I’ve Learned Living In Tennessee:

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Onced and twiced are words.

It’s not a shopping cart; It’s a buggy.

Ice tea/Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals.

The above statement is actually redundant; Iced tea IS sweet tea. If you order tea in TN you will get sweet tea. If you specify unsweet tea, your tea will come with a spoon and an assortment of sweeteners so you can sweeten it personally.

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The Meat Zone

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Quotes from my favorite Aqua Teen episode: The Meat Zone. (A spoof on the Dead Zone of course)

"Look, there is only one way to get across this street. You close your eyes and just bolt out there with complete disregard for machine."
Master Shake, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"Pedestrian always has the right of way. [except?] When you in the way?"
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"He’s right and if I don’t pass this class, I ain’t never going to get a job crossing roads."
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"Chocolate milk! Well alright let’s get the hell out of here."

Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"Don’t drink the Chocolate milk. Do not drink the chocolate milk!"
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"[this milk is expired, Meatwad] I like it when it’s chunky. It’s spreadable and it’s edible."
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"Let me touch you hand. I’ll be as gentle as a lamb… that works out with weights!"
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"One, Two, Uhm Three, Four?, K-KaFive. [KaFive?] Yes KaFive. Six, Hey how you doing? [Who are you talking to? Come on I just need one more] Oh yeah, the last one is seven."
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"One, Two, Uhm Three, Four?, K-KaFive. [KaFive?] Yes KaFive."
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"Behold it is I. I bestow upon you my dirty diapie. But there is another. Who among you will embark on such a quest? To -you know- peel it off the ceiling. It’s stuck up there."
Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"The dog blew up again."
Frylock, Aqua Teen Hunger Force
"There’s science behind this. And legend."
Master Shake, Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Jeep Trailhawk Concept

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Jeep has a new concept car out: the Trailhawk. It seeks to mix the fun of the Wrangler with the hauling capacity of a Grand Cherokee. This is accomplished through three removable roof panels. Two above the driver and one in the rear.

Who says a soccer mom can’t have a convertable? Not to mention legitimate off-road capabilities – you never know where those soccer matches might be held…


DUI Tennessee Style

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I found this pretty funny and ingenius… (who cares if it’s actually true)

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris , Tennessee . After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle for ward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly . "Tonight I’m the designated decoy."