On Business

So I watched Office Space again and was inspired to list a few business quotes:

"I'll take that under advisement." — S Kuban

"You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care." — Peter Gibbons, Office Space

"There's always an easier way." — S Kuban

"I have eight different bosses right now. [Eight?] Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled." — Peter Gibbons, Office Space

"It's amazing what people are willing to do for small amounts of money per hour." — S Kuban

"You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either." — Peter Gibbons, Office Space

"Henry Ford was right about the model T, before he created the assembly line." — S Kuban

"Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work." — Peter Gibbons, Office Space

Beating The Market

UPDATED: So again we turn to the Financial Markets to see how the old retirement plan is progressing. Today we are going to look at an easy way to track how you are doing in your investing. While there are many ways to track your stock portfolio available today, I still prefer the simple tracking methods offered by Yahoo.com. There are many other sites that offer similar features, I just happen to use Yahoo. Other sites are better for researching stocks to buy, but for tracking your stocks a nice simple chart should serve anyone (but the crazy day-trader) nicely.

A good way to add a little spice to your stock trading is to create a contest. Put your stock picks up against your buddies and get the bonus of rubbing your returns in someone's nose… assuming your winning. Remember when you lose to LEARN from it. It can be an expensive lesson or an expensive mistake. If you can't find someone willing to risk it all in the battle of the portfolios, you can challenge the market to a duel. Use the major indices to compare your ROI (return on investment) and see if you are over- or under-performing the market.

For instance, I created a short-term investment portfolio out of a portion of my overall holdings last November. Meanwhile I created a mock portfolio to track the changes in the three major indices: The Dow, The Nasdaq & The S&P 500. Don't worry if want to go back and create one later, historical prices for the indexes are readily available online. So comparing this to your returns will give you a gauge of how you are doing in an up, down, or flat market.

My returns since November have been 13.22% or 19.83% annualized. Is that a good return? Well in the late 90's that would have been laughable, but during the depression it would have been awe-inspiring. Comparing yourself to the market is a good way to A) give you a real indication of how well you are doing and B) make you aware of when a bubble might be occurring.

So how has the market done? As of today, if you had invested equally in the three major indexes you would have a return of 3.79% (5.86% Annualized) — Not exactly what I would call huge gains, but it's been a rather flat (or sideways) market with high gas prices and all. So I've beaten the market but not to the extent I would like, so now I'm turning to Options to help leverage my holdings and increase my ROI — But that is another story.

How did I do it? Continuing to grow in my investment knowledge and skill — but growing slowly. Carefully. A lot of people try to dive in after the big returns they see someone else making. Weither it's tech stocks in the 90's, Real Estate today, or whatever tommorrow — people are afraid they will miss out on the upswing. The problem is that by diving in, they commit a large (if not all) portion of their assets to their first, most inexperienced pick. So then even if they are wise and learn from the experience, they still must rebuild their nest egg before trying again. This setback slows their opportunties for growth far more than a more conservative approach would have.

Don't get me wrong: I'm all for shooting for the stars on investments and expecting more than 8-12% returns on your money. But maybe you should take a closer look at the rocket before you strap yourself in for takeoff. My best pick has nearly doubled (84%) my money (Thank you Wild Oats Markets Inc :). But I have been trying some new investment strategies and so much of my gains have actually been offset by loses on these new areas. But because I was conservative in my forays in to new areas, I was still able to post an overall gain while learing the afore mentioned expensive lessons. The point is to expand your mind. You can make money in a slow market, but you have to remember to think differently and steadily increase your knowledge about money. Take Robert Kiyosaki's advice to the average investor: "don't be average".

Some Great Quotes

"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function." — Keillor "Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face." — Dave Barry "The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him." — Russell Baker "If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had ten apostles." — Helms

Dick Durban & Jesus

So apparently there is a school that is near a school where a former CNN correspondent takes his kid. At this first school in Marietta, GA there is a bench, and the bench says "Jesus Loves You". The CNN correspondant noticed this one day and immediately contacted the school to inquire about the legalities of such a "overly religous" bench. Which of course is quite a nebulous question after the unambiguous ruling from the Supreme Court on the Ten Commandments. Now, Rush Limbaugh heard about this story and thought they should change the bench to "Allah Loves You" because then no one will be able to change it. This, of course, is a crack at the overtly religous treatment of the prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. Where we give the detainees a Karan and a prayer mat and religiously appropriate meals — that have been blessed by a Muslim cleric, of course. But I think I have one better. In spirit of Dick Durban's appology for his Nazi comments (see yesterday if you missed them): Some may believe my remarks crossed the line. To them I extend my heartfelt apologies… I offer my apologies for those who were offended by my words… – Dick Durban (emphasis added) I think they should change the bench to say this: "Jesus Loves You, Unless This Offends You, Then He Doesn't". That's so great, I think I'll claim full copyright to it and make some T-shirts. :D This statement mocks the whole PC attitude that is choking our culture AND points out just how rediculous the stamping out of Christianity has become. Eight-year-old girls dressed like soror-stitutes (sorority + prostitute), welfare recepiants with better medical coverage than working people and the claim that the 9/11 victims deserved it. — THESE are offensive. How does one rationalize being offended by a statement that a diety cares about you? And this "undo influence" arguement is laughable as well… Yes I was walking along, keeping to my secular humanistic self, when I saw this bench, and well, it changed my life! Everything became clear and I've been a born-again right-wing Christian zealot every since… Right.

UPDATE: For those of you actually worried about how such a bench would end up at a public school here's how it happened: The school ran a fundraiser and a Christian organization donated money required to get an engraved bench. It's actually quite appropriate since the benches are oft left in memory of someone or simply state the name of the person that provided the money for it. In this case it was both. But instead of simply inscribing the name of that person, they instead put his name and his feelings about others. (They probably had to pay extra for those extra letters).