Author Archives: scottsoapbox

Use Your Inside Voice

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Tired of people that seem to think there cel phone is two cans and a really long string? SHHH! (Society for HandHeld Hushing) has created some handy cards to hand out to those people.

For instance: “We are aware that your ongoing conversation about _______ is very important to you, but we thought you?d like to knowthat it doesn?t interest us in the least. In fact, your babbling disregard for others is more than a little annoying.”

Nice.

Red Hot Balls

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A recent report out claims that Laptop Computers May Affect Male Fertility… yup, you’re wizbang new laptop could be causing your boys to not work so well. The funny thing is it’s not really your laptop so much as using your lap. Apparently, “Elevated scrotal temperatures have been linked to male infertility.” — Oh yeah, that’s a great quote. Lap-top use increases those temperatures. The study found that using a laptop caused a increase of +37F but interestingly the simple position of holding something on your lap (without a laptop or anything else) resulted in a +36F increase. So really if you’re worried about your boys, you should never sit down again… or switch to boxers… or stop reading scientific studies…

Aaaaahhhh, A Snowflake!

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I have learned that a Principal at an elementary school has gone out of his overly PC mind… Yup he banned Christmas and more this year. “You won’t see any Christmas Trees, Snowmen, or snow flakes around here. We like to keep it generic… so we don’t offend anyone.”

Uh right, well I and 95% of the Americans that celebrate the 25th (weither as CHRIST-mas or as the gift giving good cheer Christmas) are OFFENDED! This is where we need to step up and smack down these over-reacting force-their-beliefs-on-everyone-else (in the name of not forcing others beliefs on anyone of course.) ______es (fill-in-the-blank)! There is a LOT to swat at here so I will go down the numbers:

1) Wake up buddy, MOST people celebrate Christmas weither it’s with Advent and Luke chapter 2 OR swapping gifts with friends and family OR if it’s just being off work, avoiding in-laws, and drinking egg nog — MOST people celebrate Christmas! Aren’t we in a democracy — is that not rule of the majority?

2) Christmas Trees are a secular addition to a religious holiday. Heck it wasn’t long ago that Christians were ticked off with the over commercialization of their celebration of the birth of Jesus the Christ. Now they are the ones filling the trenches as the fringe left is trying to save some unknown offended minority from the evil pine smells and painful colors of light eminating from the tree of vileness. Don’t they realize that they are the ones that got the tree in there in the first place? (much better than a manger right?)
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