Guest Writer Jeff: Proof I Went To College

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This is another great slice of life from Jeff. It was soo funny I had to pass it along.

Here’s an interesting tidbit from my new job (and proof that my tuition dollars were well-spent):

I was talking to a woman about her payment that was 3 mo past due, and she would not talk to me, she said I should have everything on the computer in front of me. I read off the arrangements we had set up with her, and she kept saying “I don’t know. I don’t know,” (in the kind of way that makes you realize how you talked to your parents when you were 15) until, finally flabbergasted, she said, “Do you think I don’t know I owe you money? Do you think I’m stupid?!” To which I calmly replied, “Ma’am, I’m not questioning the veracity your ability to cogitate such esoteric financial quandaries, I’m just trying to collect a past-due payment.” To which she replied,”Uhhhh…” then she hung up.

The end.

Size Does Matter

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If you’re like me, then size really does matter. I think my affliction started through my biking habit. Once you’ve gotten into biking — i mean real into it so that you spend more money than any normal person would ever spend on a bike (which for most people is probably in the $100-$400 range) — it is easy to get sucked into a world where grams matter. Yes that’s right: smaller, faster, lighter is the biker’s mantra. Shave a gram here and ounce there and soon you will flying down the road faster… unencumbered!

Now the funny thing with us bikers is that we often overlook the heaviest thing on the bike in our search for weight savings: the big guy riding it. Trust me, you quickly get to a point where it is cheaper and easier to lose the next ounce yourself… hmm poly-carbon alloy upgrade: $5000… eating less donuts: free… looking less chunky in those biker shorts: priceless.

Two other biker oversights while I’m on a roll. i have to shake my head at the people that trade in a comfortable bike seat to get the lighter weight “racing” seats (read sitting on a hollow metal pole). Then these same people trade in their normal/spandex shorts for special biking shorts with a gel seat. Ah, HELLO, all you did was move the weight to your butt — and most people consider that a bad thing! No offence J Lo. The other thing that I’ve seen on many an expensive bike is 3 or 4 water bottles. Yes that’s right water which weighs 2.2 pounds for every liter or an ounce for every extra 28ml of H20. Trust me 2.2 pounds can equal 2.2 GRAND on some bikes.

Needless to say this is a rant about size not bikes and so i will get to the point. Below is quick reference to the size of some of my products of choice. With dimensions and weight for easy comparison to new products as they come out and attempt to de-throne these as the smallest, the lightest, the best!

Remember The 80’s?

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This is a little biased towards women growing up in the 80s w/ all the talk of clothing this and hair that, but it is still plenty funny for us guys…

YOU KNOW YOU GREW UP IN THE 80’s IF:

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE”.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the “Fresh Prince of Belair”
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that “WOAH ” comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer.
9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”.
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales”.
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” on the big screen.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game “MASH ” (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear….need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM”.
21. You remember reading “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off…
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took Lunch Pails to school.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to! say “NOT ” after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were in-line skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. “Don’t worry, be happy”
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down.
46. “Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK”.
47. You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
48. You remember watching both “Gremlins” movies.
49. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales”.
51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac. (Alf is still awsome!!!!)
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on Saved by the Bell “, the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi’s – SHOT THRU THE HEART.
56. You just sang those words to yourself. (didn’t you)
57. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
58. You cut your t-shirts in half and wore it with your homemade Levis shorts.. (the shorter the better)
59. You remember when mullets were cool!
60. You had a mullet!
61. You still sing “We are the World ”
62. You “Pegged ” your pants ritually. (You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head arent you!!!)
63. You tight rolled your jeans.

PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO GREW UP IN THE 1980s!!! ROCK ON!!!

Conservative vs Liberal

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Ah stereotypes. You gotta love ’em. Of course here at ScottSoapbox everyone is totally unbiased — just like the rest of the media. We’re just unbiased in the other direction. ;)

Conservative vs Liberal (do you know the difference?)

As a Conservative and Liberal are walking down the street, they come upon a homeless person. The Conservative gives the homeless person his business card and tells him to come to his business for a job. He then takes twenty dollars out of his pocket and gives it to the homeless person.

The Liberal is very impressed, and when they come to another homeless person, he decides to help. He walks over to the homeless person and gives him directions to the welfare office. He then reaches into the Conservative’s pocket and pulls out twenty dollars. He keeps $15 for administrative fees and gives the homeless person $5.

This clearly defines the difference between a Conservative and Liberal